Thursday, March 30, 2006


Like all things good and bad that inhabit this universe, I also have a beginning.

The Genesis…

The day I was born the entire world celebrated. Till today the day is cherished as that of dreams, happiness and eternal love. OK OK… You guys stop giving me that “you-twister-of-facts-look” one would give Mr. Bush when he says “We are STILL trying to find Weapons of mass destruction in Iraq”. I happened to be born on the V-Day. (No no… my parents weren’t married on Children’s Day… Oops! It is supposed to work the other way round, isn’t it?) So when young couples walked hand-in-hand in dimly lit parks, gays returned peoples stares silently yet vehemently saying “Dude! Today is Valentines Day and we are in love” and dogs trotted around with their bitches with that “I am gonna get laid today” look in their doggie eyes, my mother was trying hard to bring this bundle of joy (I bet she would beg to disagree) into this world.

It was a calm morning compared to the catastrophe that was in store. I mean the earth didn’t shake, the volcanoes didnt erupt and tornados didn’t wipe away lives to mark the debacle that occurred on that Winter of ’83. I guess it was the lull before the storm.


To begin with I was born upside down. Well I am not referring to how my cupboard looks (which btw looks as if Bin Laden has done a test bombing in my closet before WTO) or my twisted brains (which I am sure during my post-mortem would look like a chunk of entangled spaghetti). I mean to say that I was LITERALLY upside down in my mother’s womb.

Watching the sonogram of their unborn child is one of the most touching moments for any couple. My parents would have had a picture perfect view in there minds of an innocent fetus cuddled in blissful slumber. They were in for a shock!!! Besides being upside down I was striking this pose as if I had just been electrocuted. My parents were amazed at how I could have imitated Jayan even before my birth, with my limbs stretched out wide and adorning a ridiculous grin. (for the non-keralites Jayan is a mallu actor of olden days who had the dressing sense of Elvis Presley and danced as if he was about to have a nervous break-down).

Well my version of the story was that I was embracing life with open arms ;-).

Cry my Child…

So that’s what my mother carried for 9 months – an upside down Jayan. And finally on the V-Day I decided this is the day that’s gonna mark my grand entry into this universe. Well, it was grand indeed…

My mother had to have a cesarean. I gave her complications before birth and have been continuing the legend till date :-). But when the doctor cut her up, he realized that I was too spread out in my Jayan posture that he had to cut my mother up a couple of times more (I have sworn to hunt that doctor down and cut HIM to pieces!!!).

So finally after replicating Mask of Zorros’s signature on mummy’s tummy I was taken out of her womb and into this world all bloody and wrinkled. But when all normal childbirths were marked by the cry of life, I decided to be a little different from the rest. I was so consumed with my sleep (which became my favorite pastime in the years to come) that I forgot about the rule that I should cry. My mother let out an anxious cry, only to be silenced by the doctor who gestured with his hand against his chest (in the background came the ICICI jingle “Hum Hai Na…”). So, the doc held me by my legs gave me one tight slap on my unassuming bottom (Another reason why I intend to hunt him down). To the relief of my mother I let out a loud cry that shook the hospital structure. WAAAAAAAAAH… (Translated: “You *&@#$#^!^#^^$”).

Lonely… I am so lonely…

The cute male nurses (there are a lot of cute male nurses in U.A.E, where I was born) immediately wrapped me up and took me away to clean me. As they put me on a table I struck a Pamela-Anderson-on-the-beach pose and cooed “Blookloo…ma…coooooo?” (Translated: “Aint I cuuuute?”). But they took one look at me and ran away into the theatre room to find refuge away from the horrific creations of nature. I cried out with my little arms outstretched “Gulooooo…ma…nanaaaa…; Bulooooo…ma…nanaaaa…” (Translated: “Hold me now; Touch me now”). (Four years hence Glenn Medeiros found inspiration in these words and thus came the most famous love song of our era “Nothings gonna change my love for you”.)

Apparently, my mother was having complications after she delivered me and was bleeding profusely. While the doctor and nurses were fighting against fate and hope to set things back to normal, I was left in some corner of a hospital room oh so very lonely. Outside the theatre room my father was feeling as if he was living a nightmare.

All in the eyes of a Man…

Finally after it was ensured that my mother was safe, the nurses decided to display me to the world waiting outside. After what transpired one would expect a reaction something like this when one took a look at me: “That’s it??? All this pain and trauma for THIS???” But as I was kept snugly into the warm arms of my father I was ready to strike my Pamela Anderson pose again, only to be stopped by the look in my father’s eyes. The common opening statement by the nurse “It’s a GIRLLLLL!!!!” was easily forgotten amidst the havoc. The doctor did tell my father that my mother wouldn’t conceive again due to the operation undertaken to save her life. But as my father gazed into my half-closed eyes, the news didn’t seem to him the least bit important. (In short my parents were stuck with me for life… only me… Only years later, did my father realize the true gravity of what the doc was trying to tell him :-)). What I saw that day in my father’s eyes was probably the purest form of love-at-first-sight.

So that was the beginning of my journey into my Topsy-turvy world. The 23 years that followed have been punctuated by unexpected events that have defined the very essence of my life.

But I am still searching for the doc though… ;-)